Good News

Well there's good news and there's bad news so I guess I'll start with the good news.

My son was found about 2 weeks ago and he's healthy and safe. The bad news is the police found him in a van he had broken into to sleep.

He's back in juvenile jail/prison which is good because its very structured and he can't run away from there. Bad news is he's only there for a month.

Good news is his parole officer is working to get him sent to a military school, a really good one that specializes in troubled kids. Which is something I've been asking for, for the past three years but my sons judge never seemed to know about any programs for him.

Unfortunately I don't think its going to do much good because he'll only be there for about a year and then he's 18. What I do know is a miracle could happen and it just might do him some good.

I also know that I'm sticking to my tough love approach and advised my son that he can't come back home but that I will always keep a room of his own for him. I also let him know that his little brother and I are unwilling to go on another emotional roller coaster because of him. I told him I won't let him come back home till he not just shows but proves that he's ready to come back home.

It was difficult to come to this decision but this is the way it has to be. I have mixed feelings about it of course but I guess it would mean that I didn't love him if I wasn't torn by it. And love that boy I do, he's my 1st born and I would do anything for him even if it means letting go.

Petty

I am so angry. I feel betrayed and violated. But most of all I can't stand the thought that some one took my kindness, my trust and my empathy and wiped their ass with it.

Last August I loaned the mother of the girl who used to babysit my 5 yr old $650.00. Her car had broken down and she had no way to fix it. Granted she was out of work, but that was because she had planned to move to Colorado, then changed her mind and decided to stay. For the prior two or three years that I had already known that family I had always known her to have a job, the same job in fact. I'm going to just use her name which is Debbie Christensen. Anyway Debbie had been at her job for 5 years before she quit. And at her townhouse for 8 years, so I had no reason to think she was a deadbeat loser and would not repay me my money. I mean we were like family. We were always over there. And she was a single mom with 2 kids just like me, and I know what it's like to have your car break down and have no one to loan you money to fix it. Plus they had always taken very good care of my son. The only condition was she was to pay me back when she got her 2005 income tax. Well the bitch got it spent it and then lied to me and said since she hadn't got it. That the IRS had sent back her return because she hadn't reported her 401k (this was in may). That bitch doesn't know that I know she already got it and blew it.

I actually had to go beg a charity to help me pay my electric bill in July, because the OLD BITCH won't give me my money. My mother lost an apartment because I couldn't pay the deposit for the same reason. And now in October 14 months later I'm still struggling. And that old bitch got a job with the state in April. She makes about $33,000 a year now. Her rent is only $600.00 a month (for a 3 bedroom townhouse). She doesn't have a car payment. But she owed 11 months of back rent, (the skank ho was out of work that long), but travelling to Cali just so someone would have sex with her. Now so close to Christmas when I could really use my money, she won't answer the door or phone for me but her 19 yr old daughter will.

I have been there for this woman's adult daughter for things she didn't think she could turn to anyone for without being judged. God! I bought the girl a pregnancy test when she thought she was pregnet (she wasn't thank god!) and made her take it at my house. When she was sleeping with one of her mothers friends I sat down repeatedly with the girl to try and explain why what was going on was so wrong, on so many levels. I drove the girl to college and picked her up when my classes were already over and I was at home and I never asked for anything in return. I even got the girl her first job and a gave her a glowing reference. Did Debbie like that? Nope. She told the girl that $6 something wasn't enough pay. OMG! For her first job she was getting more than minimum wage (not much more but more) and convinced the girl that the job was crappy so she quit after only 2 weeks on the job. Just to work at a different daycare. Not to mention when they were out of food I bought them groceries because I couldn't let her kids go without food.

So my point is I feel angry all the time. We live in the same townhouse complex (a very small one) and I have to keep myself from going over there and inflicting some serious bodily harm on her, because I know I should kiss the money goodbye but I can't. Hell that money was from my student loan and I have to pay interest on it.

Anyway I'm a single mom w/2 kids too but I don't work . I can't go to school and work at the same time and my degree will get me a lot more pay in the long run. Me and my kids live off of childsupport, so we have a very limited income and I can't accept that a 50 year old supposed woman would treat the only person who cared enough to be there for her like shit.

So now I have to sell my car just to get by and that's not fair!

I've been through a year of anger mangment (one on one with a therapist) but there ain't enough anger mangement in the world to help me deal with this. I don't like feeling this way and I know I'm hurting myself physically as well as spiritually with these horrible thoughts and feelings.

But.....$650 is a lot of money man!

How do I get over this?
How am I supposed to deal with this?

She didn't just screw me on my money, she screwed with gestures I don't give freely. Next time I'll go with my instincts. She believes in karma (yeah right) but more importantly so do I. And I don't want to be her or near her when this comes back on her. I hope nothing goes right for her till she does right by me.

I realize I'm being petty for even writing this, but she just reinforced (negatively) what I already thought about people. And that is .....People Suck!

Maternal Instinct.

I have felt nothing but relief since my son ran away, well once I got over the initial anger and worry. Shouldn't my maternal instinct be kicking in?

While I do feel unconditional love for him, I also dread the thought of him coming home again. God that sounds cold but that's how I feel.

It must be a sign of the times when a mother can't bring herself to miss her teenage son.

I feel these thoughts are so evil I can't bring myself to speak them out loud or share them with anyone in my life. But I had to put them down somewhere they're tormenting me.

Intro.

This is where I plan to write about my inner battles between the good me and the evil me. And the battle between Good and Evil that I see going on in the world.